🎃A Salem Witch's guide to Visiting Salem 2021🎃

 I'm a Salem witch who's lived in Salem since high school and been a local historian for about 20 years. So many people ask what to do when they visit I decided to make a list to copy and paste because I'm lazy lol! 🤷‍♀️♥️ (Also please keep in mind there's tons more than this, think of this as a quick guide to get you started)

UPDATED FOR 2021

🎃A Salem Witch's guide to Visiting Salem🎃

- Food - 🥣🍔🍨☕

Cafes - Gulu Gulu, Red Line, and Jaho

Breakfast - Ugly Mug Diner, Red's, Fountain Place, and the Hawthorne Hotel

Best vegetarian options - Life Alive, Passage to India, Paprika Grill (falafel), Jodi Bee's bakery, vegan pizza at Flying Saucer

Seafood - for most fresh and fancy go to Turner's, for laid back go to Lobster Shanty, for ocean views there are three restaurants on Pickering Wharf

Ice cream - Maria's Sweet Somethings, Captain Dusty's, Melt, Goodnight Fatty's (late night cookies with vegan chocolate ice cream!)

Best for fancy dates - The Roof at Hotel Salem, Opus, Ledger, Antique Table

All other restaurants are good too and most have options for all dietary requirements. I'm vegetarian and eat everywhere in town. 

- Tours - 🚶🏿‍♀️🚶🚶‍♀️🚶🏿‍♀️🚶🏼🚶🏾‍♂️👻

Number one rated tour in Salem:

Satanic Salem Walking Tours, check out reviews and get tickets here https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g60954-d18925409-Reviews-Satanic_Salem_Walking_Tours-Salem_Massachusetts.html

Want ghosts? - I recommend Spellbound Tours, and Salem Night Tours 

Tired? - Salem Trolley is very relaxing and goes outside of the downtown historic district to places some tourists don't see

- Museums - 🏢🏰💀🏫

The Satanic Temple headquarter's Salem Art Gallery for pictures with the famous Baphomet statue

The Salem Witch Museum is the most historically accurate of the witch museums. All of the witch museums were built in the seventies so they are a little cheesy but fun.

The Halloween Museum is cute and nostalgic

The House of Seven Gables is technically the first tourist attraction in the city and tries to offer something more classy and old school

The Witch Board Museum has an amazing collection of Ouija boards

The Burlesque Museum is a new interesting addition to the city

Count Orlok's Nightmare Gallery is everyone's favorite monster museum

The Peabody Essex Museum is super fancy and not touristy at all and could take a whole day to go through

The Pirate Museum is my favorite cheesy tourist attraction because of how campy it is. Some people hate it and I'm like lighten up! 🤣

As far as historic sites and homes are considered, if you are a true history nerd and visiting Salem you should already be aware there are tons in the city and get researching which ones you want to visit!! Three websites have good lists for that stuff, the Salem witch Museum, the national Park service, and the Peabody Essex Museum. There's just so much. 

If it seems overwhelming you should definitely take some tours.

- Shopping - 🛍️🧹🪄

Best tourist items - Trolley Depot, Salem Wax Museum/Witch Village gift shop, Salem Witch Museum gift shop, Flying Monkey t shirts, Witches Tees

Best witch shops - Enchanted, Hermetic Arts Learning Center, Artemisia Botanicals, Pyramid Books

Best goth/weird/oddities/random shops - Hive and Forge, Die with Your Boots On, Witch City Consignment and Thrift, Bewitched in Salem, Remember Salem

Also in the center of the city is the Army Barracks, an army surplus store full of extremely useful things like last minute rain gear, boots, socks, hand warmers and foot warmers, etc.

- Other random tourist advice -

(This advice applies mostly for October)

-Parking sucks in Salem. It just does. I'm sorry. 😔 The parking meters are easy to pay from the website at least nowadays you don't have to keep running back. When it gets busy private lots price gauge so the two city owned garages are good

-Bathrooms are difficult to find, easiest are at The Visitor's Center

-Don't overplan your trip. Give yourself time to wander. 

- Be skeptical and open minded. Read descriptions of things carefully. There aren't many tourist traps in Salem but some things are confusing. 

Mr Rogers and Death Rituals by Witches

A Salem Witch's Review of The VVitch

Local historians, business owners, and witches were invited to a special early screening of The Witch at Cinema Salem followed by a panel with the director, Robert Eggers, and the star of the movie Anya Taylor-Joy along with a few of our local Salem experts.

(Left to right: Danvers town archivist Richard Trask, author of The Lace Reader Brunonia Barry, Anya Taylor Joy who plays Thomasin, Director Robert Eggers, and local historian, professor, and author Tad Baker)

I loved this movie too much to give the ending away, but in order to write this review I'll have to reveal one spoiler that happens within the first few minutes. From the trailers it seems like the baby going missing is the pivotal moment of the entire film and in a way it is. But the baby is dead. Thankfully this film spares the gore, but we know it's dead right from the beginning and there is no doubt about it. We know because we watched a naked old witch take a knife to his innocent body, grind him up in a mortar and pestle and bathe in his blood.

The first thing that struck me about this movie was the sound - the musical score sounds like broken string instruments made from dead trees - and the moments of abrupt silence. From the first scenes where we witness the family (who's surname we never learn) being banished from the unnamed colony, rolling away in a cart and settling an isolated plot in a far off place, the strange music sets a chaotic and unnerving pace. Along with the incessant creepy puritanical praying it's enough to help begin to immerse you into their perspective, particularly the teenage daughter Thomasin played by Anya Taylor-Joy, who it ends up is the protagonist..

Set in the 1630s, director Robert Eggers said he imagined their new settlement was located somewhere in southern New Hampshire and repeatedly discussed how important historical accuracy was while filming. Winning the award for directing in a US dramatic role at Sundance, his attention to detail payed off and A24 picked up his film for national distribution immediately afterwards. Taylor-Joy described how funny it was for her to try on her meticulously accurate clothing for the first time saying "It would take like four people to dress someone!", Eggers described building period houses on the set and how he knew historians would criticize the way the wood was cut when it showed up so he had it all done over by hand, the language that the actors use is so authentic it will be difficult for some people to understand, even the title of the film uses the more historically accurate version of the letter w - which was often printed as VV when in upper case in titles. At a screening full of experts on colonial New England and the Puritans there was barely a complaint, but you could see Eggers really cared about the accuracy in the way he jokingly pointed out a couple flaws to us.

The one thing that is not historically accurate is the film's depiction of witchcraft, well in a way. It's not accurate to what witchcraft is today and what it's based on, and that was the biggest relief of the night. See, it's historically accurate to the idea of what a witch would be in the minds of these people during this time period. It's a great approach and something many films about new England and witches never even attempt. Where many writers and directors make the mistake of conflating the ideas of modern pagan based witchcraft with devil worship and Christian superstition from the middle ages and early modern era, this movie never crosses that line and masterfully creates the purely fictional and fantastical version of witchcraft that, to the Puritans was very very real. It's clear Eggers researched actual witch trials and based his concept for on the accuser's strange testimonies and confessions extracted through torture. Although, when asked he stated that he didn't read too much of the Salem witch trials but more about the many European witch crazes.

To religious fanatics like this the edge of the woods was a portal into evil, unbaptized babies go to hell, the devil was an actual entity, and when he shows up he tries to force you to sign his book. To fanatics like this a witch covers herself in flying ointment made with the baby's blood, mounts her riding pole, and flies into the full moon to the black sabbath. This is not a goofy bumbling hag, this is the first ACTUAL scary witch in a film in decades. To the local witches in the theater that was the biggest relief of the night, nothing in the film was offensive towards modern witches because this was very clearly based on the twisted fears of the time.

Most importantly, immersing us in the desolate cold landscape helps us to understand the most terrifying belief of all - when bad things happen there is always someone to blame.

Their hard life is earned and even the kids, especially Thomasin, toil on the farm. Of course when the baby goes missing under her care, mistrust in her is the first reaction of the rest of the family. They blame themselves and each other as the film escalates slowly at first - the corn being blighted, animals and the young children acting strangely, an egg being stillborn - and for a brief time we almost forget that the witch is real. Maybe their fear and paranoia will destroy them on its own like it did in 1692 in Salem. Maybe there wasn't a witch, maybe the accusations against Thomasin are true, maybe it's the father or the mother that is evil.

But that is short-lived, and the witch appears again to lure the adolescent son as a beautiful temptress, emerging from her hobbit hole leg first.

As things get weirder and weirder the pace set at the beginning - of tension and release in music, quick scene changes, and manic fluctuations in character demeanor - stays pretty constant. So the dramatic effect of a hard rain is enough to set your nerves on edge and when the characters really do start freaking out we are shocked but not surprised. We've been brought into their tiny world and know what they fear is real.

The real star of the movie, Charlie the goat plays Black Phillip (and he has a twitter).

Ask A Salem Witch: Is Salem too Touristy?

Many people have a difficult time understanding how something as terrible as The Salem Witch Trials can be commercialized in our modern tourist industry.

Converting to Witchcraft - Ask A Salem Witch [Video]

Victims of witchcraft hysteria like in Salem in 1692 have been accused of converting to witchcraft in many strange ways - spitting on the cross, signing the Devil's book, and even kissing his ass!

But how does a real witch do it?

The Difference between Wicca and Witchcraft - Ask a Salem Witch [VIDEO]

This is one of the most common questions a witch can get.

Many times, people will refer to me as a Wiccan, which I am not, and I wont even bother correcting them because I am so sick of explaining the difference. 

Real Witches Use Eye of Newt and Tongue of Dog??

It's something most people hear about but never actually consider - if witches are real, do we actually use the strange ingredients you hear about in fairy tales and literature?

Should we lock up our pets?? What does this mean? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!? :p

But seriously, Tom the Tour Guide explains:

That's right, no need to worry. In fact, I'm even a vegetarian witch and my black cat's name is Brachleagh! Here's a video of him being annoyed with me:

Why is Salem Called "The Witch City"?

Many people wonder, is there were no witches in 1692, why is Salem called "The Witch City"? Shouldn't we be "The Hysteria City"? It's a horrible thing to say, but instead of a witch flying across the moon on a broomstick, would it not be more appropriate for the symbol for our city to be a lady hanging from a tree?

To understand why real witches are in Salem we first have to understand how we became known as "The Witch City".

Ancient Gods and the Names for the Days of the Week

Salem 2014: The Witch City's Year in Photos

SALEM 2014

2014 was fantastic for Salem and I figured the best way to commemorate the year was to compile my favorite moments using photos rather than a crappy top ten list! I know everyone hates reading and "has ADD" these days so lets get right to it!

Salem in the Media!

The promotional posters for WGN's SALEM are cooler than the actual show

The most prominent mention of Salem in the media for the year was related to the new show on WGN, which was by most accounts a huge letdown. Honestly, my Salem witch friends and I like the show because we weren't expecting it to be historically accurate. I love the campiness. If you know it's all in fun and know what you're getting yourself into it's a decent show.

Why do animators always make the Puritans so adorable?

The second most popular mention of Salem in the media this year was definitely the cult game hit "Town of Salem". It's based on the "mafia" style game genre, which is reminiscent of Clue or other murder mystery games. To be honest, the setting of the game is completely incidental and irrelevant, but it's still cool that it's set in Salem. There are two other video games set in Salem that people were playing in 2014, and neither of them were particularly popular or groundbreaking, Murdered: Soul Suspect by Square-Enix was a terrible letdown.

Why so serious?

And the most viral news story of 2014 was the sensationalist headline of a grave digger in Salem's oldest cemetery. In this picture from the cover of The Salem News you can see by his expression that dude thinks all the media attention was hilarious. His story was that he was only trying to perform amateur archaeological excavation on two gravestone submerged beneath the soil that he alleged are his ancestors. "Yep, he's probably just insane" we all said. Well, it turns out we should all feel bad for laughing at the guy, his mother said in an interview that he's literally schizophrenic and she had been trying to get him involuntarily committed for years because he wouldn't take his medication. Yikes. 

What's been banished and what's sacred space?

The end of an era

Everyone loved the big stacks and piles of books in Derby Square Bookstore, but anyone that spent any time in there could tell it was long overdue for an update - some of those stacks of books were kind of gross and smelly... To fill the void Wicked Good Books opened, and I have only heard good things about them.

Coven's Cottage opening day.

Pagan Moon opening day.

Here are two of the new witch shops that opened on Essex street this year, The Coven's Cottage and Pagan Moon. I think that makes 7 authentic witchcraft stores within about a quarter mile. They're all doing very well and, if you ask me, the success of the stores on Essex street can be attributed not just to a general rise in tourism during the off-season, but a rising trend of interest in western paganism.

Another place locals are very sad is closing.

Penelope's Pet Boutique is closing which is disappointing because they have the largest selection of dog Halloween costumes in the city. Sure there are other pet shops in town, but this one has become a staple.

Celebrity Salem!

This year, as always, we had lots of celebrities visiting Salem, here are just a few of my favorite!

Katy Perry came to Salem to take The Salem Witch Walk! Here she is with Salem witches Lorelei, Leanne, and Jody Cabot! (also the dogs Dolly, Chico, and Lucky!) She also went to The Salem Witch Museum.

Scottish actor Graham McTavish. He was in the area filming Disney's "The Finest Hour" with Chris Pine.

Ben Vereen was spotted on Essex street this September! 

If you're not a fan of musical theatre and dance, you might not understand why us drama geeks got so excited that Ben Vereen graced Salem with his almighty presence. 

Renee Zellweger with the guy fromthe cafe, Jaho. I couldn't figure out why she was in town, most likely just relaxing.

Boston celebrity Keytar Bear at Gulu Gulu in Salem!

OMG OMG IS IT REALLY HER!

And my favorite celebrity appearance in Salem this year was Elizabeth Warren, my champion. Obviously. Yes, this is me fanboying with her taking a selfie. Luckily, John from Creative Salem got a photo of the photo so I could create this meta collage. This is how the conversation went 

ME: "Hello, have you ever met a Salem witch before?"

HER: (Smiling and noddling excitedly) "Well, no, I have not!"

ME: "Well now you have, let's take a selfie!"

Her: "OK!"

It was basically the highlight of my life even though I was slightly disappointed she was here to endorse the old Democrat guy rather than the new progressive guy, but it's cool because he won anyways. 

My Favorite Police Logs

Presented without comment, here are my three favorite police log entries from Salem this year!

Vampire Steve and the Street Preachers

Vampire Steve being fucking badass.

Most local's favorite story of the year was the turf feud between the street preachers and street performers. The basic gist of the feud is that street performers have to pay the city for licensing and have always been good about developing good relationships with the residents and business owners in the area, whereas the street preachers don't need to pay, and constantly harass people and cause problems. It's not a matter of free speech, the street preachers can say whatever they want, the issue is that they are rude, loud, offensive, and they create an atmosphere of anarchy in the already busy streets.

Vampire Steve became somewhat of a hero of Essex street by standing his ground and telling them off multiple times. He's not a hero though, he's just out there trying to live his life and be a fucking awesome vampire smoking cigarettes and making witty remarks. Also worth noting, he has gotten many nicknames in town and there seems to be some confusion about his costume - which is his own take on Mr. Barlow from Salem's Lot.

Anyways, this one guy who likes to create videos got a couple of really good moments that are worth mentioning. Here is his video of Vampire Steve righteously telling off a preacher, for more check out his Youtube channel.

Historic Renovations

Many of the important historical sites around the city have been getting repairs this year, too many to document. 

Working on Salem's City Hall

The city wanted to get rid of it, but people raised their voices and the town square fountain sculpture was instead fixed up and made smaller so it wouldn't keep getting in the way of emergency and delivery vehicles. Locals are worried it's just another step towards Essex street becoming less pedestrian.

Other Noteworthy Moments

Salem witch trials historian Marilynne Roach was on The Daily Show and when the Salem Witch Museum posted about it look what picture came up. LOL Sorry, I'm wicked immature sometimes.

I asked Vampire Steve to pose next to an antique car during the show on Essex street.

Motorcycles completely taking over Derby street during this October's Halloween Witch Ride for the MDA.

Lorelei, Christian Day and his new husband Brian looking wicked cool posing for a photographer from The Boston Globe this October. Moments after this picture was taken oneof the dogs started barking and freaking out, gotta love chihuahuas! 

A decent turnout for a march and candlelight vigil in honor of Mike Brown and other black lives lost to police violence. 

So what did I miss? Too much has been happening  for me to even keep track. It's been a great year for the city and 2015 is looking to be even better!

Leaving offerings for Robin Williams and Kurt Cobain

The Internet is Saying "Witches are the new Vampires"

We finally have a teaser trailer for WGN's new series, SALEM. 

The show got funded straight to it's first season without a pilot and is WGN's first original series so it might be a little budget, but it sure looks like they're putting a lot of time and energy into it. They are filming on a set designed to look like 17th century Salem built like a ghost town in Shreveport, LA. There's a cemetery, public square, church, and of course, the gallows. Its located on the Red River, which apparently is a great place to film scenes of accused witches being dunked.

With Salem witches playing a prominent role in shows like 'American Horror Story: Coven' and two separate reality shows in production focusing on the lives of average witches in The Witch City, it's starting to get a little crazy. Articles around the internet are saying things like "Witches are the new vampires!" But is it just a fad?

There are two different production companies trolling Craigslist, Reddit, etc. looking for local witches for reality shows, of course trying to stay ahead of the curve and ride the wave of the trend. Unfortunately, like most reality shows, they have a warped and idealized view about what exactly they want to film, asking for replies only from young women.

I wish I had the means to produce a documentary show about Salem, there's so much real magic and so many hilarious people to focus on, but what the '"reality show" types don't understand is that an authentic and intelligent show has a much more dedicated demographic - nerds. Sure, the assholes from Duck Dynasty can make lots of money really fast, but it's fleeting. Real success comes only from the types of dedicated fans that appreciate not being pandered  to. IMHO.

Even Jenji Kohan, creator of Netflix's 'Orange is the New Black', and Showtime's 'Weeds' is developing a new untitled drama for HBO based on the Salem witch trials and with the insane critical and commercial success of those two shows, it's hard to imagine that her show is going to be anything but amazing. It's also worth noting that, while WGN's show claims to involve the supernatural, it seems so far that Kohan's Salem is being toted as 'drama', so here's hoping it will be a completely different angle than what we are used to. 

Here's the teaser trailer:

What Salem Businesses have been Banished and which are Sacred Space? 2013 Edition

Maybe all the ghost tours should start mentioning that every time a restaurant tries to open up in the Lyceum building it fails... It could it be a new story they call The Curse of Bridget Bishop?

Keeping a business open in Salem is very difficult, the  downtown district is like a wild garden. Every year I see all the storefronts shifting and blinking, fading and blooming with enterprise and the hope of success. Some make it and some don't. 

Some are banished and others become sacred space.

Witch Shops - Most of the local witch shops are doing great  this year, and a few new ones are in town.

Archangel Michael holding down the spot at Magicka.

Things are getting confusing for tourists when they visit Pickering Wharf now that two well-respected local elders with similar sounding names are teaching classes and doing readings out of their new spaces! Firstly, the famous Laurie Cabot has some students that opened up a shop called Enchanted, where she can sometimes be found, but Lori Bruno, who has also become a local fixture in recent years, had just opened up her new shop Magicka in the space previously left open by Laurie Cabot when her shop "The Official Witch" shut down. 

The Salem Witch House, often confused for a witch shop.

Crow Haven Corner, Laurie Cabot's old shop on Essex Street, has been owned by a student/friend of hers ALSO named Laurie, who goes by Lorelei to try to avoid confusion. Tourists already get so bewildered I don't know how they are going to handle this further Laurie/Lori complication! Regardless, I wish the best to both of them. They are each in their own way the epitome of what we expect for and love in an elder.

The big three witch shops on Essex street (Crow, Hex, and Omen) are doing great. Word is that Hex New Orleans is doing great as well, people are joking saying soon it will be a franchise and we'll see a Hex in every mall, like Hot Topic. 

Also, it ends up that the guys from the World of Witches Museum that failed last year left town while they still owed a bunch of their employees money. Their whole "Young Witches of Salem" reality show idea ended up being a huge embarrassment of a failure so they blamed the city and left.

Same thing just happened with another guy who moved to Salem and suddenly started acting like he was an important witch and demanding respect. After a couple years of sashaying around downtown he opened up a shop and when it failed he blamed the city. The thing is, the witches around here are already established, successful, and respected - you can not just barge into the city and begin speaking on behalf of all Salem witches. It's a recipe for failure. Anyone with a successful witch shop in this city has lived around here for decades.

From the outside they may just look like a bunch of crazy people but that's only because Salem witches have to deal with so much ridiculous nonsense all the time and they have learned to to take it in stride and have fun with it. And that is what they are teaching me to do. After all, our mission is to educate people on our craft and in some cases entertain as well. You can't be grumpy and do that, you have to laugh!

Restaurants - Honestly I'm getting really annoyed with all the people who keep trying to open up restaurants in Salem that are just slightly too classy for our local atmosphere, but their successes and failures make a really interesting competitive local restaurant economy. This year a bunch of boring classy restaurants have opened or are opening up, but I want to move on to more interesting things like cupcakes, candy, and ice cream.

This sign is on the window across the street from my apartment on Washington st.:

We have a few very good places to get local baked goods like a & J kings and coffee time, but is this going to be a shop devoted specifically to cupcakes? That is something unique in Salem but becoming a trend in many cities across the country, so you know it is a sure-fire business plan, kind of like food trucks. When is Salem going to start getting food trucks? I'm telling you there's money in that.

We also have a new candy shop on Essex Street called Sugar Rush(no website yet). it offers some different things than the other candy shops in town but is pretty standard. it's an awesome location so they will do it extremely well, I mean you can't go wrong with candy.

And, as if we didn't have enough ice cream shops, Salem Screamery opened up where Ben and Jerry's used to be. They have some unique flavors but for the most part get their ice cream from Richardson's like all the other places in town, which is the favorite dairy of most locals.

Tourist attractions - This year one of the haunted houses in the mall is shut down, and another on Essex Street stopped being haunted and it changed its subject to general Salem history. Another one on the wharf keeps changing and no one can quite figure out what it is. During high season a few more places will become haunted house attractions, but right now there is only one in the city, The Witch Mansion. We'll see how this develops as October approaches.

Salem's 3D Time Machine tour museum thingy.

The haunted house 13 Ghosts has been changed into a really cute and cheesy history tour thing that I surprisingly enjoyed and hope tourists check out. It looks like a college kid constructed it with a low budget, but has a lot of heart, takes like 15 minutes and mentions a lot of random Salem history in a way tourists can easily understand. It also looks as though it can easily be converted into a haunted house for when it gets busy.

The Griffin Theater has now re-branded itself as the Gallows Hill Theater. I can only assume this is a conscious effort to confuse tourists into going there. 

Pioneer Village has been neglected and utilized on and off throughout the years, and this year an enthusiastic group of people is planning a "haunted event" called Terror at the Village:

The city is buzzing with energy and about to bubble over as we get closer to October. At any moment most business downtown could disappear for any reason - but some seem blessed, some seem lucky, and others are sacred space.

You Want "Lords of Salem" Spoilers? You Got them. My Full Review.

If you're looking for spoilers I can imagine you've already read a few plot synopsis', so let's cut right to the spoilers chase. .If you've read my previous posts, please excuse me for repeating a bit of the information here and please excuse me for leaking information about the movie which was later changed. ANYWAYS...

Firstly, you've probably read that this movie is a departure from Rob Zombie's usual work, but you may not understand how severely different it is. It's hard to even classify this as a horror movie, and we'll have to wait a while before general consensus chooses exactly what genre it is. It is very slow moving and relies more on creeping you out than in-your-face gore. When hearing people compare this movie to other horror directors over the past week I have heard dozens of names. I think it's fair to say Rob was deliberately paying homage to the genre rather than "ripping off" other styles.

When Heidi begins to have her visions after playing the mysterious record, it was really sad to watch her degenerate. One of the witches describes to her the difference between destiny and fate and I think the audience is supposed to ascertain from that that she has no chance of escaping her fate as the chosen one to give birth to the Anti-Christ. ...That I can understand, but watching her relapse and start smoking crack was probably the most depressing part of the movie. (On a side-note, locals were wondering why the film crew was shooting in the ghetto part of Salem known as "The Point", and appropriately enough, this is where she goes to buy said crack!) In one of the most disturbing scenes, Heidi seeks solace in a church only to fall asleep and have a dream sequence where she is orally raped by a priest while he screams Satanic prayers and black ooze spurts from his mouth.

A lot of what was leaked from the plot ended up being cut from the final product during editing. As I've mentioned previously, this included a lot of murder scenes, like the one in Engine House Pizza, and Lobster Joe - who's character was cut completely.

It was also a bit disappointing that one of the clips Rob chose to leak from the movie is a huge spoiler for the only real murder scene in the entire movie, that of author and local historian Francis Mathias (played by Bruce Davison). He is the only one who realizes something strange is going on but, even as he begins to unravel the mystery of the Lords, anyone who anticipated the movie and saw the clip knows he never stands a chance against these nudist hags.

As Heidi's visions get uncontrollable and her friends lose control of her completely, the audience is treated to the final parts of the movie, which are essentially Rob Zombie's take on strange Satanic rituals spliced with short scenes of reality where fellow radio show host Herman 'Whitey' Salvador (played by Jeffrey Daniel Phillips) tries in vain to help even though he has no clue what is going on. The witches get less frightening and more happy as they seem to revel in the ecstasy of the horror around them. Heidi meets a strange midget chicken-winged goblin thing, phantoms dressed as catholic bishops sit on thrones and fondle large purple dildos, Heidi rides a goat, dry-humps a dude dressed like a black metal mall rat, and finally gives birth to the Antichrist, which looks equal parts mandrake root, insect, and starfish. The witches praise Satan, half the audience gets confused as hell as the entire thing collapses in on itself and turns into a White Zombie video with melting cartoon Jesus' on crucifixes.

I assume in the original plot, the record hypnotizes the women descended from the people of Old Salem and each of them commits a murder while possessed, but in the final product we just see them begin to get hypnotized and then appear right at the end alive wearing the strange animal masks, and then to the final shot of Heidi Hawthorne standing on a pile of their dead bodies dressed as the Anti-Virgin-Mary as Velvet Underground's "All Tomorrow's Parties" plays. Definitely the best shot of the movie, I bet it took hours to get it perfect.

I have heard a few people say things like "How can you like that movie? I couldn't even take it seriously it was so bad!" And my response to that is that people who dislike Lords of Salem are the ones taking it too seriously.

The fucking movie was hilarious.

   

Lords of Salem's East Coast Premiere in Salem MA, American Horror Story: Coven, and Wicked Witches!

Usually tourist season doesn't pick up until April, but this year things started early and it was starting to begin in March. It might have something to do with some of the high profile projects involving Salem in the media recently.

There are three major things:

The first is last week's premiere of Rob Zombie's Lords of Salem at Cinema Salem.

We have been anticipating this movie since we first heard about it back in March '11, (edit: Actually, we learned about the idea when Rob started mentioning it during interviews in Fall '10)and it seems like a lot of locals got their hopes up and were expecting something a bit different. I loved the movie but general consensus in Salem is very negative, which disappoints me. I found the whole thing visually stunning, and even if there was a lack of character development and cohesive story line, the plot itself was fantastic. And hilarious. I love cheesy horror films and this one put a huge smile on my face throughout the entire thing.

The only thing that really disappointed me personally about the film was reading so much about it for the past few years only to see the final product and realize how much was cut during editing. A lot of it was important to deepening the plot, but I guess Rob figured in the end that the movie just had too many characters. Christopher Knight (aka Peter Brady)'s character, Lobster Joe, was cut entirely. Also, a lot of locals were waiting for the murder scene we had learned would happen in Engine House Pizza, but that was cut as well.

I'll write a more detailed synopsis and update soon! [edit: And here it is! Spoilers]

The second thing that's had people talking about Salem recently is "American Horror Story: Coven". When Kathy Bates was added to the cast, actor Dylan McDermott was asked how perfect she was for the cast  and slipped saying "She really is. All the witches of Salem... There's plenty of them!"

The thought of Kathy Bates playing a Salem witch had us all so excited we thought we could die, but then director Ryan Murphy smashed our dreams by saying the season would be filmed in New Orleans. Don't give up hope yet, though, Murphy also stated that the show would be about "multiple cities" and they could really film anywhere. He is also on record saying he wants it to include "horror romance" and it will be set in "modern day".

The final exciting thing happening in Salem is the one that a lot of people aren't even aware of. For a while now film crews have been sneaking in and out of town to visit Christian Day, Lorelei, and all their minions and film for the upcoming TLC reality show that I'm hearing might be titled "Wicked Witches". I have a lot of insider information on the show that I'm not going to disclose because it's more fun if things are a surprise, but I can tell you that I really don't think a reality show about witches is going to embarrass witchcraft as much as people are speculating. It's just a TV show, and it's just for fun and the most important thing to remember is that, although they make money off witchcraft, these people are truly authentic witches bringing REAL witchcraft to the masses. It sounds like the stuff they're filming is hilarious and awesome. People are saying the show might come out in May, I have no idea.

Quick loose ends news round-up:

Because of cancellations at Boston Comic Con, Jason David Frank, the original green Power Ranger was at Harrison's Comics in Salem! This is the extremely long line to meet him.

(photo by John Andrews of Social Palates)

Estimates are that approximately 2,500 people turned out to the event on Salem Commons to support the victims of the Boston Marathon bombings.

 Behind the scenes at Salem Film Fest. Amy Finkel, director of 'Furever' is interviewed before the screening of her film.

And last but not least, the sixth annual Salem Festival was absolutely huge this year, selling out most shows and playing some amazing documentaries.